TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it would come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That is the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical improvement-slash-luxury real estate property calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Indeed, The person who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And never the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're talking Damascus, town historically noted for historical culture, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It is going to be tremendous. Huge!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed in the Placing eco-friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We have had wonderful ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the ideal. But now, we are developing them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-confused, majestic, and totally outside of spot. Built by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A 3-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • In addition to a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten a long time for potable drinking water. But Of course, guaranteed, let's have A different put where American Males can put on robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign policy analysts are calling this probably the most audacious peace attempt since Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though preceding negotiations failed below the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is easier: present All people a collection around the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In line with documents posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is smooth electrical power," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock wants much less diplomats and much more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Each and every unit. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity noted, "It is not that Trump should not open up a tower inside of a war zone. It's that he really should prevent utilizing it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked regarding the task, replied, "You are aware of, gentleman, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Superior people. Great tan. In any case, do I still have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "long run evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit with the Levant."



Satellite Images Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the lodge's landscaping kinds a giant Trump head obvious from Place, a characteristic becoming promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents and the chin is… very well, categorized.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits after getting the making's gold plating reflected a great deal of sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established hearth to a local melon cart.


"It really is not merely hideous. It is a war crime with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Bewildering Functions


Probably the strangest element on Trump Tower Damascus the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium wherever guests could ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, entire with climate Handle set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Neighborhood Syrians are Not sure what for making of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-year-old Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting Tactic: "If You Bomb It, They may Appear"


The advertisement campaign, lately leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxury is Permanently."


A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:


"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll performed inside of a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% mentioned "where's the nearest elevator to the West Financial institution?"





Investor Praise: "Eventually, a Crisis That Pays"


The job is presently attracting notice from Worldwide buyers, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll purchase 3 penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business amount may also incorporate:




  • A Dollar Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home Based upon the Iraq War





Remark Segment Chaos


On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to wait around to view a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades rather than rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a lodge in which my PTSD might have turn-down support."


One more post from @KuwaitiKardashian only asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officers get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Studies advise:




  • China might open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to create a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Last Ideas with the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that associated three camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It required gold. It wanted a waterslide formed such as Constitution. I gave it all three. You're welcome."

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